Sunday, July 09, 2006

Heart to Heart

The following is a transcript of a late breaking news segment from CBS, a US TV channel (For explanation of the acronyms used in this sentence, please see the end of this post):

The war is on. And it is being televised live. Please tune in every day right after Sex and the City to follow the latest developments in this battle between good and evil. Highlights from the previous day are broadcast evey afternoon from 1300-1330 hours.

It has recently come to our attention that the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people have been largely won by the forces of democracy: America and its allies. There is much rejoicing all around Iraq and around the world. Iraqis have been so happy that they have started blowing up their own cars in which they were travelling to their relatives homes, killing themselves and other rejoicing pedestrians on the street. Of course the Americans have to teach them that it is not advisable to do so particularly when the explosives they use have been made in America and other technologically advanced western countries. It is not the same as buying firecrackers from Abdul's shop in their neighbourhood.

Moreover our explosives are all marked with 'Dangerous: Only to be used on the enemy' and 'We are Sorry to have hurt anyone's feelings as a result of the use of this device' signs as required by American law. But of course these signs are in english and most Iraqis have difficulty understanding it. Even if some literate people were to use these bombs, they wouldn't be able to read it as the tears of joy and happiness running down their eyes and cheeks would make their vision fuzzy. Plans are on war-footing to make Arabic audio tapes advising of the dangers of using explosives accessible to the ordinary Iraqi.

Nevertheless this is just another indication of Iraqis growing sense of relief and self-confidence and the Americans have been instrumental in this sea change in the Iraqis' lives.

Sketchy reports have just been received from Haditha that a large number of people's hearts and minds have been won in that district. These reports have mainly been received in the form of songs and videos by our soldiers stationed in Iraq. Soldiers have been advised to use the formal means of communication to relay information about the battlefield but the president has given a special concession to them on account of the exemplary work they have been doing. Just this morning a young kid came running towards an American Humvee, shouting and with a parcel in his hand and a big backpack on his shoulders. The kid was overrun by the Humvee as the commander suspected him to be a suicide bomber targeting the Americans. On inspecting the load that the suspected suicide bomber was carrying, it was found that the bags were full of Toblerone chocolates. A note was found on the young kid thanking the Americans for winning over the hearts and minds of his family members.

Just that morning he had woken up to find his father, mother and little sister sprawled in the bedroom with red marks all around on the walls and the house in a messy state. The kid had been listening to the news and had heard about our 'Win the hearts and minds' campaign and came to the conclusion that his family's hearts and minds were won by the Americans and his parents and sister were so happy over this that they had probably slaughtered a goat and had a great romp all night. This, the kid wrote, explained the red marks on the walls and the messy state of the house. Moreover he tried to wake them up but they were possibly passed out from all the physical strain of celebrating.

The kid wrote that he was disappointed and he even kicked his little sister for not waking him up to enjoy the celebrations. He mentioned that he was soon overcome by feelings of gratitude towards the Americans and had collected all his Toblerone chocolates that he was given on his birthday and also the chocolates that were presented to his sister as she wouldn't be needing them soon, being already full from the goat she ate and had brought them for the Americans.

Soldiers on the ground have been told to be more careful in the future if they see kids running towards them with backpacks for they might miss out on some chocolates. They have been supplied with a new laser which they must first aim at such kids' backpacks and the heat of the laser would melt the chocolate if it was there and they would see a brown liquid oozing out of the backpack. If this doesn't happen, they must assume danger and shoot at the kids' legs to stop them well short of themselves and then ask them in Arabic if they had chocolates with them. This way we can avoid unnecessary casualties and our soldiers can give themselves the much needed sugar boost to win the heart and minds of other Iraqis a la Haditha.

The president has stated that Americans regret this deeply and apologise to the kid's parents for any inconvenience this may have caused. The stars of Sex and the City have offered to lend moral support to the residents of Haditha in these testing times.

To explain this good work we have to understand how we have reached here and why we sent our dear sons and daughters on the path of danger and sacrifice. The Americans have been trying very hard to bring democracy to Iraq (pronounced 'I-Wreck' by US Americans). We have succeedeed in removing (synonym: 'sodomising', from the free peoples vocabulary) Sodom Whosevain, a tyrant and the principal opponent of democracy from his bunker and hole. Hell, we even toppled his statue and draped the American flag over it, which was meant to democratise the statue and had no sinister undertones as Al-Jazeera would have you believe. The statue, after being fully democratised, is now collecting dust in some warehose and is resigned to its fate. I told you we democratised it! And this is what democratisation does to people and statues alike.

I acknowledge this is old news but this is the only good thing we have been able to do so far and good deeds need to be talked about over and over again when humanity desperately needs hope and courage which have been sucked out from people's lives by the world-affecting tragedies of the Queen Mother's and the Pope's death and the horrific evening when the earth stood still when our president almost died when he choked on a pretzel while trying to say the word 'nuclear' at the same time. At that moment the president heard God talking to him and inspired him to bring democracy to the dark corners of this earth. And God said to him...


and then licked him in his ear.

Don't believe Al-Jazeera if they tell you that it was his pooch who did this. Al-Jazeera doesn't tell the truth and even if you think it was his pooch, well you know what, God works in mysterious ways through his creatures. That evening it dawned upon the president that he was the chosen one (before this there were doubts about him being the chosen one in people's minds, what with the hanging chads in Florida and some black guys not being able to vote for Al Gore because they had gangrene in their legs and they had no fingers which they could have used to vote anyway).

I-Wreck is much safer now. In fact it has been made as safe as it could ever be by the Americans who introduced democracy there. Now anybody can kill anybody there, at any time and in any manner they please. Just like in America. And this is what democracy is all about. Solving our differences in a peaceful way and what could be more peaceful than death? Now that we have sown the seeds of democracy in I-Wreck, it would be nurtured by the sweet blood-red waters of the Tigris and the rain of bullets which fall down in each and every city of I-Wreck every day and more so on Fridays because thats when the muslins pray and boy, has God heard their prayer or what? Note: 'muslins' is not an incorrect word, it is part of our drive to re-educate the world. Moreover we have been advised by the British, the inventors of english, that it is the correct spelling for this word.

Due to this peace and prosperity that has been brought to their country, the Iraqis celebrate every day with loud explosions and much shouting. They even blow up their own cars, so happy they are. Well, we still have a long way to go and we will have to teach them the ways of the civilsed world.

Blowing up your own cars is not civilised. In America, it makes our pet dogs and cats jumpy and they run away from their homes, never to be found again. This can lead to the untimely deaths of 90+ year old geriatrics who become heart-broken and grief-stricken over the loss of their only companion. Thats why Americans don't do it in their own country and if they have such an urge they do it in some other country and the other country gets democracy in the bargain. Thats all for this night's special bulletin. Please stick around as Sex and the city is up next followed by the live telecast of the latest developments in the theater of war in I-Wreck.

Acronyms used in the first sentence:
US: US. As in the example: US against THEM. Or another example: They hate US.

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